Thursday, 26 March 2009

Dear God,

My earliest memories are of my mother, sister & I sitting on a yellow straw mat & praying to You. Mother taught me beautiful hymns, she taught me verses from the bible & I remember coming 1st in Sunday school. She also taught me how to pray.

I knew the Bible quite well....ofcourse I dont claim to have understood it but I could recite many short chapters from the Psalms & knew most of the stories in the Bible. I once read the whole Bible in 1 week[yeah I know You know that I was terribly sick with typhoid & didnt have another book to read]. I knew who Ruth was, what Esther did, who Elijah & Elisha were & how they went to heaven, knew about David & Goliath, Wise King Solomon & most importantly I thought I knew all about your Son & how he gave his life up for us.

All good uptil here huh!!!!

But as You very well know, somewhere along the line I lost interest...not that I didnt believe in you. I did but I never took time out to talk with you. I never thanked you for my blessings, I didnt approach you when I had decisions to make. Even when I had troubles it never occurred to me to come to you and even it did occur I could never do it because my reasoning was that I never did it when I was feeling good so I had no right to approach You when I was feeling miserable.

I dont really recall when or why I started distancing myself from You. I sort of started relegated You to the backgroud during my teenage years. Oh I still sat with my family for the family prayer where we sang hymns[I thought I sang pretty good], read the bible[yeah I liked hearing the sound of my voice], sing songs again. Here I got irritated...well we already sang songs, right???...whats the need to sing again???
Chitrahaar was going to start in exactly 20 mins & this hymn was going to take up 4-5 precious minutes & then the final prayer would take another 10-15 mins. Throughout the prayer I would stealthily peek thru my closed eyelids at the clock & my brain would try to connect with my mom's brains to "Keep it short, keep it short, KEEP IT SHORT, please". Ofcourse Ma would decide to say 2 extra prayers that night. Finally the Amen & the sign of the cross happened in fast forward mode & the next second found me in the living room pressing the red button on the TV remote.
Oh dang...the first break was already in. I bet Ma deliberately does this, I would think bitterly.

Looking back, teenage years were trying times. I sure could have done with some Faith. Whether we joined her in Prayer or not I knew my mother shed tears while she prayed for us. I watched my younger sister read the Bible & Pray every night before going to sleep while I slept or pretended to.

But I know You haven't forgotten those odd occasions when I did come to You & laid my heart bare at your feet. Every once in a while I reminded you about this wish I had……..for a good husband. Not those rich or pretty-looking dudes, just a good human being who'd stand by me through thick & thin & oh how can I forget that I asked for good wedding photographs. Coz wedding photgraphs were for life & however I turned out later, these pictures would be my signature for life....something to show my kids & grandkids. Ofcourse I realise now that it was 1 dumb request as the kids recognise everybody else in those photographs except me. You must have had a good laugh while granting that request.

You granted both those requests……a fine man by my side & good wedding photographs. My faith was strengthened by the good things which were happening & I thanked You over & over again.
Leaving my family to be with a man I was hardly knew was a big test in my faith in You. I still remember sitting in that plane 10 yrs back to join the man I married, staring blankly through the window into the darkness outside with tears pouring down my cheeks. Just for a moment I even wondered whether I’d reach my destination.

I wonder if You realized that at first when I started praying genuinely I felt like such a fake…like I was mouthing some lines simply because I thought you expected to hear it. Prayer didn’t come easily…and placing my complete faith in You was so difficult. If I gave myself to You COMPLETELY, did that mean I have to give up movies or games or erase that bit of deviousness which was present inside me??? I was not really ready.

The children made their appearance & their growth again made me marvel at Your Kindness. Along with the children I also grew…..wider. But jokes apart……except for the quick one-liners muttered under my breath, there were times I was busy or too tired by the end of the day to speak with You, and strangely my faith was deeper than ever.
Obstacles would appear from nowhere, the people I depended on most may not have been there to shield me and You my Lord also took your own sweet time to respond but there wasn’t any doubt that You’d make it right finally & that if I held on to You I’d be totally safe.

Maybe I’m feeling my age…………..maybe I have more faith than before or maybe its Just You……I’ve gradually started depending on You, learning to let go and lean on Your strength, though I still have my doubts about my Faith whether….
… I’m good enough in your eyes
…or maybe I’m doing it all wrong
...You’ll reject me when I reach there

Then again I realize all these misgivings are about me…….about You there is never really any doubt.

Yours till eternity,


  1. Dear God,
    since this lovely lady completed her prayers before going to watch chitrahaar, pls come in her dreams tonight and clear all the doubts she has about her image in ur eyes, about she doing well almost all things right(i hv just started knowing her u know so i'll keep lil gap there just in case n u anyways know it all, so...) and God, I know you dont reject people just like that when they reach THERE.. rite?

    God, I am not yet that close to you maybe because I am yet to reach a stage when I feel close enough and but faith in u, I do have! I know you are silently watching from there and guiding us across..

    Thank you God..
    ~your child, Tara

  2. Dear God,
    Tara seems like such a sweet child....I do hope You are listening carefully to her as she says things which makes a lot of sense esp "and God, I know you dont reject people just like that when they reach THERE.. rite?"
    I draw hope from words like these.
    Please bless Tara once more, just for me pleasseeee.
    Thank You so much,

  3. Faith is such an confusing point to me.. I do have faith that things would become right and that there is "God" and yet I believe that I choose to believe in god coz that makes my life easier to live knowing that someone else is there to hold on to

    Weird no ?

    Anyhow I do believe in "fate" more and more ;)

    P.S: they say that more you grow old more childish you become and I guess faith come easily to child as well as old ppl :P

  4. I loved that stuff abt wedding pics. I too had the same wish. And i am sure my daughter will not believe that is me in the pic. I will have to gently break it her... this vacation maybe!!

    But why are you so sad?.. In all these years, I believe something. No matter how hard u pray, u have to b a good human being. It is walking in His path that is more important.

    Because whenever I ask for something, I get it. In HIS time. And I have learnt to respect that. Yeah, maybe old age has hit!

  5. Nancy, do we think alike...I have in my blog, written about prayer now and then, not similar, but the same vein of thought...And after reading your blog, I feel I can understand my daughter more...good one, again...

  6. nice one.. :) reminded me of "Letter from God" wherein HE tells that HE's been waiting since a long long time thinking that we would turn and talk to him. :-)

  7. I too have faked prayers when the belief was questioned during teenage. I think its quite common. Dont have to feel bad abt it.
    According to me, God doesn't want anything from you - for which you have to make such an effort. Even one minute of sincere prayer will do.
    As the day goes by, how many times do you take the name of God, with honesty and deep faith ? That matters and that alone matters.

  8. Nancy very well written and thought provoking indeed. Yes most of the time we start the prayer and then rush through the same to attend to some other interesting work.

  9. Nancy,

    Beautiful thoughts and I know god is seeing/reading this...He has a special account on blogger you know ;) Just kidding.. :)

    But the sincerety with which you wrote this post, just comes across and I hope may god give u strength through all that you do... :)

    Hugs and loads of love >:D<

  10. You brought tears to my eyes girl!!! As with most things between us, this letter is also pretty similar to what I would've written. In the early teens I was proud of the strength of my faith, but then college life kind of distanced me away & it was only some 3 years back that it got renewed. My biggest leap of faith too was to marry a stranger who I thought seemed like a decent human being. I still wonder now what did I ever do to first have the kind of amazing parents I do, to get a wonderful sister and then to have a life partner who is beyond my wildest dreams & expectations. I can't believe that I deserve them, but He blessed me with them anyway, so then I try to live in a way that's worthy of them all.

    Big hugs to you for writing this!!!

  11. I don’t play hide and seek because I am not invisible as you think but invincible. I know the reason for your prayers and so you too. Thank you for thanking me, though I don’t expect. You are blessed not only to grow Wider (LOL) but also to be wiser. I forgive you for keeping an eye on TV during Chitrahaar days. Of course I was there too, so no worries. Apart from those two of wishes, I have granted one more to you, without your asking…….to keep the people around you happy and cheerful, which you are doing excellently well.

    Bless you
    Your God( whom you doubt ever!!!)

    Just to cheer you Nancy, hope you have a smile. It was like reading a chapter from Conversation with God by Neale Donald Walsh. Good post Nacy. God bless you and yours always

  12. this is such a lovely post. it reminds of me sitting during ganesh pooja with an empty stomach eyeing all the sweets and dishes made for the occassion. :)
    but i believe faith is always there, some ppl show it and some people don't. He up there knows who we are and how we are.. will never leave us midway whether or not we show Him how much we believe in Him .

  13. yeah I know You know that I was terribly sick with typhoid & didnt have another book to read.

    Splendid:) Enjoyed the read!

  14. :)nicely written to GOD:) very true about prayer and tv program;-)
    but we sure do not mean it right
    ;-)!! So god will forgive us for that i hope!!!


  15. Dont know If I believe in god or not:)but someone sure listens to a lot of my prayers or wishes maybe:))

    you are so right about the chitrhaar part:D
    I am always in a hurry on Dowali:D
    Ma's puja never seems to finish:D:D

    god bless you and yours:))

  16. lovely post, tho m an atheist i cud write a similiar post for my mom or husband easily any day and i kno wat u mean exctly!

    and yes the wedding pics part is absolutely rite for any women i guess... u kno how sure i wud b about this since i jus received my wedding pics and i almost feel like half my life's desires have come true... million thanks to GOD! :)

  17. what a touching post Nancy! I`m going through one of life`s most trying times,standing by helpless, as my dad embarks on his last journey. Its so easy to lose faith. But that is all I have right now. The strength of my prayers. Sometimes he does listen Nancy :)

  18. everyone finds faith in God or in their belief at some point of time.... :) good read...
    I just absolutely love going to the church to pray... I dont know why... :) and my fav church is the "Vettucaud" palli in Trivandrum....
    praying there gives me peace of mind... :)

  19. nancy, you melt my heart.
    dearest god. this woman is a darling. please listen to all her prays. thanks to her, this is my second conversation with you today..(even though it is ablut Nancy :D)..and you do know that is a very very very rare thing.

  20. Nice one:)

    ek doah ha na kabir ka..

    dukh me sumiran sab karen, sukh me kare na koy, jo sukh me sumiran karen dukh kahe ko hoy.
    but I have seent that faith falters only at the time of adversity, otherwise it is strengthened by the blessing of god.

  21. This was such a sweet post, Nancy. Are you observing Lent?

    You know this reminded me of Mary Stevenson's 'Footprints in the Sand' story.

  22. Very profound thoughts expressed in simple yet powerful words that can reach the heart; this post comprises of acts that are part of being human, I believe, and common to most of us living our day to day lives in today's settings. My eyes are my barometer of a person's goodness - this goodness seems to flow over through them. You have a heart and a soul full of goodness, I can honestly vouch for that - my overflowing eyes stand witness.

  23. I will have to shamelessly accept that I believe in god at my own convinience.. My theory to the whole thing is since God is the be all and end all, he shouldnt wait for prayers to set things right.. right? ermm... okay ignore that. I sincerely hope all your prayers are answered as they have always been.
    And good old chitrahaar, sigh
    lmao@ good wedding pics... really?? tahts what u prayed for..:D

  24. And yes, AGNES!!! why cant I open your website??

  25. Winnie: Most of us tread this path, so there's nothing to get worried about. As years go by slowly but surely a lot of things start to make sense & fall into place. Then faith in God is a natural & sure way forward:-).

    Bins: Not exactly sad but a feeling that I wasted a lot of time does affect me:-P.

    Sindhu: I have yet to read ur thoughts on God:-)).
    "And after reading your blog, I feel I can understand my daughter more"
    Thank U...its a compliment of the highest order:-)).

    SandhyaS: Yes...I know tht one. Makes me feel guilty & aware of his Kindness whenever I read it:-))

    Umas: Yes you r right but the sense of guilt doesnt leave me tht I have time for everything else except to talk with God....u knw like sit down peacefully & talk things out like how we do with our parents or husband:-)).

    Balvinder Singh: Exactly...time with God is usually pushed to a time when there r more exciting things waiting for our attention or late at night when we are too sleepy to keep our eyes open.

    Smrithi: :-D...thank U so much for the sincerity. Wishing U the same too!!!!!!

    Shalom: Not really surprised anymore at the way our thoughts match Shalom:-D.
    "I can't believe that I deserve them, but He blessed me with them anyway, so then I try to live in a way that's worthy of them all."
    Exactly, exactly except I dont know whether I really cant say tht last part:-P

    Maddy: Thank U....ur comment always cheer me up:-)). God Bless U & family!!!!!

    Rohini: LOL at ur petpooja thought:-D!!!!!
    "He up there knows who we are and how we are.. will never leave us midway whether or not we show Him how much we believe in Him."
    U r so, so right:-))!!!!

    Naperville Mom: Thank U:-))!!!

    Durga: I hope so u too:-P!!!

    Indyeah: LOL at ur hurry during festivals, reminds me of the same;-P.
    Thank U!!!!!!

    Former Sansmerci: Aaah the wedding pivs are out huh!!! So thts the 1 on ur profile now right??? You look really beautiful!!!!!!

  26. Oh,Nancy!I'm totally at a loss of words after reading this touching prayer of yours. All I say is may the Lord Almighty bless you always.You deserve all the blessings from Him.

  27. Serious post from Nancy! Things like these reaffirm my faith in God :)

    You know, I've never been able to find anything to say to God except Thank you. Whenever I stand to pray, close my eyes, dunno what to say. So just say Thank You and move on. I'm sure he'd be saying "You're welcome" coz. his blessings never cease.

    But honestly, I at times feel, I do that only to feel good about myself. To feel good that I believe in God, to feel that I'm not proud of my achievements, coz these are all because of him. Coz. if he did really exist, why would he exist only for some and not for the others. I wonder.

  28. Piper: I'm so sorry...I cant even begin to imagine ur agony. Life is a jouney & somethings in life we have no control over...leave to Him to do the best for you.

    Ordinary Guy: "everyone finds faith in God or in their belief at some point of time...."
    Taking my own case I agree with with U completely on this...infact I always say the same to other people:-)).

    A: LOL!!!!!
    A its you ...who just knows to write the right things to make a person smile:-)

    Renu: "it is strengthened by the blessing of god."
    Seriously, when bad times come I dont approach him as much as I thank Him when good things happen:-)).

    Solilo: Thank you!!!
    U r comparing my post to a book;-o...I'm honoured. I havent read this book. What is it about?????

  29. JP Joshi: As I wrote this post I felt a bit awkward...then I thought this is the way I am/was.
    ....very gratified to get a comment which looked through all the inadequacies & saw the goodness....ummm I meant to say basic qualities.
    A comment much valued, Sir!!!!!
    p.s: my eyes reacted strangely...the words[ur comment] looked clear enough in the beginning but start blurring midway thru:-)).

  30. Beautiful, Nancy.

    (It goes without saying that I have to see those wedding photos... :-)))

  31. Wow this was sooo wonderful to read. And you ended it perfectly- because when it is all about Him- there is nothing to second guess or doubt!!!!

    I really loved this post!!!

  32. and what else will it take to get to see the beautiful smile :)...

    medium length hair, beautiful smile...comeon ahve my email ID :)

  33. This is a topic on which I am still searching for MY answers... I don't know right answers or wrong answers..but I have to find MY answers... But I am nowhere close to finding shall just keep quiet about it here... Have been having interesting conversations on this topic with different people recently - family, a friend and a fellow blogger too...I am now at the 'collecting different view points' stage, I I am glad you posted this!

    This is a brilliant post, Nancy!

    p.s. You really prayed for good wedding photographs??? :D

  34. Dear God
    Please make Nancy understand that she is one of your biggest admirers and that you will do anything to make sure she keeps smiling.
    Regards? Yours Sincerely? No. Thank you. (Cos I know you will listen to me)

  35. I don't believe in prayers. Surely, they can't have any value or meaning. Who are we praying to and why?

  36. nice post Nancy, it's like reading someone's inner mind at work, like reading your OWN mind at work! i still don't know where i stand with my beliefs.. all i know is have this undying faith in Him, nothing else matters :D

    serious but funny at the same time, this post of urs, brilliant i feel! i'm glad i landed on your blog :) one of these days, i'll start reading from ur first post :P

  37. Nancy, Not a book but a story someone gifted me a long time ago which always reaffirms my faith in god.

    I am sure you must have read it. If not, check this link

    {{{Hugs}}} to your sweet little girls.

  38. Ish: Dumb eh!!!! Ya I dunno from where I got this idea into my head abt the wedding photographs;-D.

    And yeah I too cdn't get into Agnes's page but I noticed if I closed everything & waited for 5 mins it opened.
    And it takes another 10 minutes to post a comment.
    Oh the sacrifices we make for Agnes;-o!!!!!

    Deeps: Thank U for the heartfelt wishes....a few more lovely things like this abt me & God will start wondering whether I'm the same person he made;-o

    Rakesh: "I've never been able to find anything to say to God except Thank you."
    U r soooo right!!!! I must be muttering this under my breath atleast 100 hundred times a day..ok a slight exaggeration but u get my point;-P.
    Oh and asking him to forgive me for all my inadequacies also works in my favour;-D
    "if he did really exist, why would he exist only for some and not for the others."
    Its an open topic & even endless discussions will not provide a clear answer here. All I know is tht there will come a point in everybody's life when they have NO choice but to believe in Him.

    Agnes: No point seeing them....even if I walk past u at close range u'll never recognise me;-P

    Anjuli: Yes finally it all comes back to Him.
    And thank U:-))!!!!!!

    A: Huh..what beautiful smile?????
    Heee...the scanner is on the blink...luckily for me.
    And knowing us as we do we'll take atleast a month or 2 to send it for repair & then another month or two to collect it;-D.
    And no photgraphs in the laptop worth sending...really

    Wannabe: Finally it all boils down to Faith. Like I told Rakesh All I know is tht there will come a point in everybody's life when they have NO choice but to believe in Him.
    And thank U:-))!!!!!

    Deeplydip: Dear God, since DD seems so sure u'll listen to her, please dont disappoint her;-D

    vjkrishna: I once tried convincing a atheist abt the presence of God & tht blogger took it to a personal level. I felt very let down tht time.
    So I really dont want to start anything which crosses boundaries.
    I hope ur faith in ur beliefs dont let u down:-)).

    snow: Really!!! I think u must be the only person who meri mann ki baat keh di
    "i still don't know where i stand with my beliefs.. all i know is have this undying faith in Him, nothing else matters"
    Yes...oh Yes!!!!!!!

    Solilo: Thank U for the link!!! Will check it out.
    Will pass on the hugs to the concerned authorities:-D!!!!

  39. Nance

    i don't believe god exists but may your faith grow if it makes you happy :).


  40. roop: Thank U esp since I know u mean it:-))!!!!!
    And I return the compliment.... I believe God exists & may ur Faith grow coz it will make u happier;-D

  41. I want to see them anyway :-)))))))

    I have no idea why you and ISH couldn't open my site.... my last post has a million photos from our last trip but they are very low res, camera phone pics, so I don't know... Winnie said that when two people are commenting at the same time, one won't be able to comment unless they refresh the page... I just don't know, I am just not a computer person ... bummer. :-(

  42. Oh, what browser do you use? Someone told me that many sites won't open in explorer. Mozilla is great, I use Safari and Mozilla.

  43. '…….about You there is never really any doubt.'

    Thank you. This is exactly what 'thank god for small mercies (read big) is all about for me :)

    Beautiful post, words fail me coz you've said it all and oh so beautifully.

  44. Agnes: I promised & I will. Just gimme time to take a good pic;-P.

    I use Explorer...u think I shd switch???? Hmmm...let me ask the husband, the last time I did something we had to reformat the hard disk, after tht I've been forbidden to do anything on my own;-(

    Still thinking: Thank U!!! Overwhelmed actually!!!
    And U knw...ur thank U to God explains so much abt u:-)

  45. nancy, you have summed it up rather beautifully in that last line. nice introspective post!

  46. Nancy, loved your post and the comments here ..... the funny side of you keeps popping up here and there even in a serious post, loved your style of writing and about God and Faith, i keep walking in and out of those thoughts so much that i don't know how i really feel about God and Faith you know, i think i need to really grow a lot in that area to write a sensible comment.....

  47. Preethi: Thank U Preethi....means a lot coming from U:-)).

  48. wowwwwwwwwwww!!! it was a wndrful post - i wish i can write more n read more nw but i rly hav to go... will add u 4 now n catch up again :))

  49. sulo badri: Thank U for visiting:-))!!!

  50. Nancy ... I don't know what to say after reading this post. Its the same like how I felt listening to girl calling upon Krishna in the song "Karmukil". I too have things going on in my life for which I feel hesitant to turn to God because I never considered Him with all my heart for all these years. Your post is very encouraging and bridged the gap a little more. Heartfelt thank you.

  51. Thethoughtfultrain: God is very forgiving & understands us very well. Our problems which seem so huge to us is something He can solve with the click of his fingers...but we have to DEPEND on him.
    Does it look like I'm preaching...its just tht my doubts were the same as urs & it took quite a long time to understand even tho the answer was in front of me the whole time:-)).

  52. ths shd be one of the best ever letters to God - vry well written!


  53. Sulo BadriThank U!!!! And may I return the compliment, I too am awed at those posts u write about God:-)).
    I dont know if u remember but ur 1st comment was made on this very post...look at the comment above 'thethoughfultrain':-D.

  54. thnks nance :)

    n no i din remem tht until u pointed out :P glad to hav stumbled on ur blog then.... :)


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