Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Just thinking.....

It’s back again!!!!!!

The end of the year I mean. It keeps coming back with monotonous regularity and too fast for my liking but I have never complained….till recently ie. Infact I have always looked ahead and ushered the new year in with a lot of fanfare. Then it was exciting and there were lots of possibilities. But now it sort of…I mean the end of the year depresses me when I think about it.
Years are just flying past. And I’m not so sure I like it.
Actually I don’t. Not one bit.
Stop. Slow down. What’s the big hurry dammit????

I really don’t know why I’m panicking. I’m so afraid time is running out on me, afraid that I’ll die without achieving anything. Accomplishing nothing. Achievements & accomplishments not measured in terms of a good job, position or status, more like a need within me to give back to Society what I have received. To make a difference. To feel worthy. To satisfy a hunger clawing at my insides….like it’s something I need to do.
It gets a 100 times worse when I think about it at night. Especially when I can’t sleep. Every fear is magnified and the darkness makes me feel like I’m all alone even though my loved ones are all around me. But well….they are sleeping.

Daylight brings with it a clarity wherein I console myself there is time. Lots of time. Like decades and decades stretching ahead of me to do whatever I want to. Why, take my mother who is in her 60’s……. she’s so in her element now. Almost half of her life she stayed home & took care of her family. I used to wonder secretly how she could be so content to play homemaker when she could have put her teaching degree to good use. But she says she never regretted it and just look at her now, always busy with her church meetings, conferences, voluntary work and her friends, not to forget her determination to stay in shape. I’m just so in awe of her. I hope to be atleast half of what she is when I reach that age.
Most of the time I’m content with what I have. I know that compared to many others I’m so blessed. But there is this niggling thought which refuses to go away. A thought that reminds me that I’m capable of much more and am probably wasting away the best years of my life. Alright there are no regrets when I look at it from the point of view of a mother; I’m so glad I have the choice of being a hands-on mother. I have no lofty ideals for my children; if they grow up to be grounded beings with their heart in the right place I’d consider it a job well-done.

In a couple of years I’ll be four zero. That’s like half my life over. And nothing to show for it.
Atleast that’s what it feels like.

Then again I pause to think….
Why can’t I be satisfied with what I have????
Why I am not able to convince myself that to reach out for more is not a crime???
Am I looking at the whole picture or missing out on important details???

Why do thoughts have to be so conflicting???

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Wishing U All....

A Merry Christmas:-))

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Sister Symphony

I’m at the bus stop watching my kids alight from the bus.

Nikita walks up to me and says excitedly “Mama, meet my new sister” pointing to her side where I can see only empty space.
I’m puzzled and turn to look at Naina who is walking behind us at a snail’s pace with a very grumpy expression on her face.
Not again I think to myself wryly. They’ve made it like a fashion statement to fight in the school bus and come home with grouses.
“Mama, mama, look at us… new sister is waiting for you to say hello” says Nikita tugging at my arm insistently.
“Hello new sister” I say obediently and wink at Naina at the same time.

Naina marginally brightens up at my expression and joins us.

“My new sister is the best. She listens to me and likes everything I have to say. She doesn’t argue with me or fight over silly things. I’m going to have a great time with her” announces Nikita with a quick sideways look at Naina.

“What’s your new sister’s name???” I ask.

“Pakoda*” says Nikita grandly. “I have named her Pakoda and she’s going to be my bestest ever sister.”

I coughed to hide my laughter and even Naina  couldn’t help but grin.
As we walked up the stairs Nikita was very dramatically showing off the neighbourhood to her imaginary companion.

“Pakoda, this is where we live, this is how we walk up the stairs, see this is our front door and this is my living room…….come on I’ll show you all my toys and we are going to have lots of fun together”.
For the next 1 hour she didn’t let up…….it was all Pakoda this and Pakoda that.

And inbetween she’ll look at Naina & me and say with the most innocent expression “Pakoda is the best sister I have ever had in my life. She is so much fun and I JUST love her”.
I found the whole thing amusing but couldn’t help feeling sorry for Naina who had no sense of humour when she needed it most.

Naina who was silent all this while couldn’t bear it anymore and announced her decision to have her own imaginary sister.
Nikita who was acting like she was super busy with Sister Pakoda had her ears trained in our direction all the while.

She was at our side in a flash and firmly stopped Naina’s plans from taking wings.

“The imaginary sister thing is MY idea. You can’t copy MY idea” she says authoritatively.

“Yes I can”
“No, you cant”

“Yes I can”
“No, you cant”



“Stop it u twooo…”

“Naina if u copy my idea then I’ll copy ALL ur ideas for the rest of our lives and you will not able to stop me.” says Nikita resourcefully.

Nikita leaves the room leaving Naina to mull over the statement.

Naina who knew the consequences of that left it wisely alone.  She retreated for the moment and sat down to think of new strategy.
 Just then Nikita calls out “Naina, can u get me my library book, it’s on the bed”
“Ask Pakoda to get it for you” says Naina without missing a beat.

There was a resounding silence punctuated by me trying to muffle my laughter.
And for the rest of the day Nikita was royally ribbed by both Naina and me.

 “Nikita, ask Pakoda to get me your lunch-box from your bag”.
“Chechi** will Pakoda play with me if I ask her nicely”

“Pakoda lay the table for me please”

“Pakoda I like u more than my real sister”

By the end of the day Nikita looked like she wished she’d never started it  but very good-naturedly endured all the teasing;-D.
The next day the teasing continued and in desperation Nikita put Pakoda to sleep from 2 to 6pm.

Naina & I were so bothered about Pakoda ‘s sleeping pattern; we kept urging Nikita to wake her up because she won’t get any sleep at night if she slept too long.

And the next day when no mention was made about Pakoda till evening I was dying of curiousity.

“Where’s Samosa??? Errr....I mean Pakoda" I ask.
“Oh Pakoda stayed behind at school to help with the chartwork. She’ll be there till night” says Nikita very casually avoiding our eyes & had a small smile playing on her lips.

Naina grins at me from behind Nikita.
And that was that I thought with relief. The better-half when he first heard about the imaginary sister had reacted very differently from me. He was very upset and asked Nikita why she felt the need for an imaginary sister when she had a real sister who was so much fun and who thought the world of her.

Nikita who looked guilty and mutinous at the same time said that Naina was not treating her with respect and not listening to her or doing anything she asked her to do. So then her father gently explained that only if you treat her well and give her respect will she also give you the same. Just because she is your sister she can’t be expected to obey you blindly. And even after that Naina treated her with disrespect she was to tell us about it & we’ll soon set her right. I don’t know how much Nikita gleaned from the conversation but she didn’t argue anymore. Naina was also given a warning that she was not to forget that Nikita was her elder sister and that she’s not to get over-familiar with her especially in front of their friends and schoolmates.

After a few days we forgot all about it and then yesterday….

Both get off the school bus and run up to me….

“Mama, may I introduce my sister to you” says Naina excitedly pointing to Nikita.
“Meet Pakoda, my new sister!!!!!”
 Chechi stayed back in school to help with the chartwork”

And they walk off hand-in-hand talking excitedly about their plans for the afternoon.

Here we go again……

@picture above: Nikita’s new found hobby. She found an old church directory and decided it was going to be her comic book. She stuck colored paper on the front & back and illustrated it on her own. At the end of each day she cuts out the cartoon section from the newspaper and sticks it in the book. Initially the book had only her name on it but one day when Naina was sad about some incident which happened in school, Nikita magnanimously added her name below. I was sooo touched.

p.p.s: Before you go all awww…..
…when Naina does anything to irritate her the first thing Nikita does is threaten to scratch her name off the comic book;-P

*Pakoda: a small, spicy fritter containing pieces of vegetables, made usually with a batter of chickpea flour and deep-fried.
**chechi: elder sister in Malayalam

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

As far as I can see...

I’m checking mail, commenting on blogs, playing christmas carols…….the sunlight is pouring through the window and my screen was reflecting some of the light.

I couldn’t see clearly. Sighing in irritation I go to the window to block the light.
I pause while drawing the curtains…
And see….
The blue sky…..
The plants bending in the direction of the sharp wind…
The birds huddling together to keep warm…
It was cold….
And I think...
I’m so blessed…
To have a roof over my head….
To be able to serve hot meals for my loved ones….

To have a family who loves me….

Friends who care….

I have a laptop…
An internet connection…

I can read….
I can feel….

I have a body which follows my bidding…
I can sing…

I may not have seen the world…

But I can dream…
I can see.