The end of the year I mean. It keeps coming back with monotonous regularity and too fast for my liking but I have never complained….till recently ie. Infact I have always looked ahead and ushered the new year in with a lot of fanfare. Then it was exciting and there were lots of possibilities. But now it sort of…I mean the end of the year depresses me when I think about it.
Years are just flying past. And I’m not so sure I like it.
Actually I don’t. Not one bit.
Stop. Slow down. What’s the big hurry dammit????I really don’t know why I’m panicking. I’m so afraid time is running out on me, afraid that I’ll die without achieving anything. Accomplishing nothing. Achievements & accomplishments not measured in terms of a good job, position or status, more like a need within me to give back to Society what I have received. To make a difference. To feel worthy. To satisfy a hunger clawing at my insides….like it’s something I need to do.
It gets a 100 times worse when I think about it at night. Especially when I can’t sleep. Every fear is magnified and the darkness makes me feel like I’m all alone even though my loved ones are all around me. But well….they are sleeping. Daylight brings with it a clarity wherein I console myself there is time. Lots of time. Like decades and decades stretching ahead of me to do whatever I want to. Why, take my mother who is in her 60’s……. she’s so in her element now. Almost half of her life she stayed home & took care of her family. I used to wonder secretly how she could be so content to play homemaker when she could have put her teaching degree to good use. But she says she never regretted it and just look at her now, always busy with her church meetings, conferences, voluntary work and her friends, not to forget her determination to stay in shape. I’m just so in awe of her. I hope to be atleast half of what she is when I reach that age.
Most of the time I’m content with what I have. I know that compared to many others I’m so blessed. But there is this niggling thought which refuses to go away. A thought that reminds me that I’m capable of much more and am probably wasting away the best years of my life. Alright there are no regrets when I look at it from the point of view of a mother; I’m so glad I have the choice of being a hands-on mother. I have no lofty ideals for my children; if they grow up to be grounded beings with their heart in the right place I’d consider it a job well-done. In a couple of years I’ll be four zero. That’s like half my life over. And nothing to show for it.
Atleast that’s what it feels like.
….….
Then again I pause to think….
Why can’t I be satisfied with what I have????
Why I am not able to convince myself that to reach out for more is not a crime???
Am I looking at the whole picture or missing out on important details???Why do thoughts have to be so conflicting???
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aah..this sounds very familiar..an unsettling feeling, an urge to do something more satisfying..and thoughts going back and forth...
ReplyDeleteI hear you Nancy, though am not close to four zero..:-)
LOL Uma...even at three zero these thoughts were lurking in the background but back then I thought I had lots of time but now suddenly years...actually time seems to be zoooming past me;-D
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete:) aah those demons!! they can be so infuriating, while you struggle to come to terms with the present status quo and the future to be. Trying to resolve it this coming year, and yes ve crossed the dreaded mark too! :(
ReplyDeletea sober reflective post, but close to heart! :)
keep reflecting, You'll find answers!
Four O in two years? Same pinch!!! :P
ReplyDeleteWe are the same age. :O
ReplyDeleteI feel exactly the same way. It's like a life is waiting at the other end of this one where I can do anything I want. And at times I feel that time is running out on me. I generally get these feeling on my Birthdays. But then again that's in December too! :D
I am a decade and half older to you and still feel the same.but nancy good people do a lot .just by existing.so be there and remain what you are and you are contributing a lot to the society..
ReplyDeleteVaidegi: keep reflecting, You'll find answers!
ReplyDeleteI take much comfort from that one sentence:-).
Phatichar: Ouch....dont say it so loud, errr....I meant dont pinch me so hard;-D
Jyothi: Hhehe...my birthday is coming too...in January;-D
Renu: But thts exactly what I dont like...just existing;-(.
I have missed your posts the most whilst this blog-break I have imposed upon myself. I try to catch up on phone but its not the same. I'm now in Bengaluru for a week. Don't have time to read them all but I loved the 'Pakoda' story as I had not one, but 2 imaginary friends when I was a kid!! :-D
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I too feel this year just sped away.. too soon for my liking. I feel sorry for my poor blog which got no attention this year :(
Happy New Year 2012 Nancy !!!!! :))
Good to know. You have just entered a phase in your life when these kind of thoughts coming in. Keep questioning yourself, answers comes..only problem is you should be alert to know them.
ReplyDeleteMaddyanadaa!!!!!!!!!!!!
Welcome to Four Zero's Club!
ReplyDeleteIt all sounds so familiar Nancy... but everything will be fine. Really.
ReplyDelete(BTW I'm looking 40 in the eye too... kinda scary now that you mention it...)
Well, be that as it may, here's to a brand new year, happy 2012 to you.
why you worrying nancy..?you want to do something more worthy, and i tell you, its not late, and a lot of time is ahead..i wish i will read your posts about your grand children..
ReplyDeleteI felt the same year after year...now I've signed up for some volunteer work...some of the niggling has already gone away!
ReplyDeletewhat a great thought provoking post. You have this great ability to put into words what others are mulling over in their brains!! Great job!
ReplyDeleteAlso- what an awesome tribute to your mom.
p.s. Let me know if I sent you the family pic - if it doesn't arrive very soon, tell me and I'll make sure to send it your way- I thought I did and then when I rechecked my list, I wasn't so sure I had...oh me...this is what happens as we get older...memory fades :)
uh oh- did my post get on?
ReplyDeleteQuick recap- if it didn't post this, if it did delete this :)
Great thought provoking post- your ability to capture what we think is amazing!! Also, wonderful tribute to your mom.
Oh Dear, such a nice thot provoking post. And it has really made me think, and i feel it deserves a post on my blog :) Yep, a comment is not good enough :)
ReplyDeleteTill then hold on there cos they too serve who stand and wait right? And come on at the cost of sounding tremendously cliched, sometimes the key concept of the movie Its a Wonderful Life works. We do so much good unknowingly, we seldom realise. And its always the sweet nothings that fill life with its beauty is nt it. Come on who do you cherish more, the hi flying finance minister who brings economic revolution or the store keeper next day who makes ur day by asking about how your kids are and adds beauty to your daily economic transaction? So its always the small things that add all the charm. Dont worry you are doing just good :)
Wow Nancy even my sister had similar thoughts when she took a sabbatical from work for a year. But satisfaction comes to people in different ways. But end of day for a woman the way her children grow up to be is the measuring bar and nothing else. Not the string of degrees to her name or the designation she reached through her career. So when someone appreciates your daughters for their good character or someone says they are brought up well, there is your reward.
ReplyDeleteAs far as I am concerned God has given me the luxury to work, as well as take care of my son who is just a building away. I get to bathe and feed him, even put him to sleep, and run back to work. In between roles, I get the satisfaction from the his smile when I enter the room and never have I felt anything close - even when once I had a room of managers clapping at a major achievment I had at office :)
What? 2011 is gone? Where, how? Sigh! This yr really flew past and I took so many blog breaks that I wished I would not have, but could not help :( But here I am bk before the next year dawns on us to wish you Nance! Happy happy new year for all of u at home :D
ReplyDeleteAnd sigh! I am turning three *cough cough* *zero* *zero* in 2 yrs and should ponder upon what I hv done ;)
And it's so nice that u r content with what u hv most of the time Nance :) Stay the same :) Hugs!
I have similar thoughts, Nancy.. I keep wondering if I am, doing the right things, if I should go back to work or not... Then one look at daughter takes all of those away - temporarily.. Doubts keep surfacing, every now and then.. I guess it would be difficult to not wonder, I ma sure I would have doubts, no matter what I had been doing.. Worries, doubts of a different sort, but worries, nevertheless.. Hugs, Nancy!
ReplyDeleteAnd wish you and your family a very Happy New Year!
these are natural thoughts nance. you will find a groove that fits you fully so long as you do something about it. definitely not wasting away your time though if you ask me. but as i have said before you can easily be a newspaper columnist if that interests you. the world needs people like you. seek and ye shall find:-) hope you had a merry christmas and wishing a very happy new year to you and yours.
ReplyDeleteLostworld: So good to see u girl.....update soon, waiting to read all ur news;-D.
ReplyDeleteMaddy: Oh tell me abt it...thats another doubt which keeps haunting me[whether I'll know the answer even if it hits me in the face;-/].
For goodness sakes dont take out the red carpet yet I still have 2 yrs to four zero;-P
Agnes: It's not exactly the right thing to say but good to hear u have these doubts too;-D.
Thank U and U too:-))!!!!!
Kitchu: Grand children....oooooh I havent thought that far ahead;-o. Most of the time I'm just trying to get thru take one day at a time:-)
Nilu: Thats lovely girl...I have similar thoughts & have been checking out a few options but this place is not like urs;-(.
Listen I have been looking to tell u something. I'm not able to comment on ur page, can u please include 'name & url' option on ur comment page.
Anjuli: Thanks and thanks Connie, U have a way of soothing troubled hearts with the right words:-).
No I didnt get it, please resend it I'd love to receive one:-).
Amrita: I think Renu was also trying to put across the same thing u said...thanks for the lovely words. Waiting to catch ur take on it:-)).
Anita Jeyan Sandeep: Oh I dont know....what u say certainly sounds great on paper & probably from the biblical point of view. Though my children are important to me I believe that I was not put on earth to just look after them.
There was a time I was working & I did enjoy the experience. When it came to a crunch I did choose my kids over work but thts not my point. I believe as a human Being we all owe something to the Society and to OURSELVES to go out and make a difference...maybe not in any grand way, but just contribute our bit and....and make a difference[at risk of repeating] myself:-).
Swaram: Girl I'm worried for u; just take my suggestion & go back to school & take extra classes in maths ...u have *cough cough* added an extra zero and declared urself 298 yrs old as of now;-D. Hahahahaha......ooooh that was funny....for a change I caught u hahahhaaaaa;-D
Smitha: "I ma sure I would have doubts, no matter what I had been doing.. Worries, doubts of a different sort, but worries, nevertheless.."
Aaaah I know what u mean here and thats so true really:-)).
Thank U and wishing u the same!!!!
Lan: U r meaning to say.....Spreading happiness huh. Seriously I loved the idea Lan but I doubt any newspaper will take me;-P. But like u said seek & ye shall find....right I'm definitely looking for answers, thanks:-)).
:
@Reflections - I confessed my crime here http://cherriesblogs.blogspot.com/2011/10/life-has-gotten-me-to-stage.html :P
ReplyDeleteI can talk/write whatever - I just love lecturing anyways :) So the medium does nt matter.
Done dana done!!!!
ReplyDeleteAlready posted my comment I mean;-D
Happy New Year Nancy:) Four zero in a couple of years? Try five five now:):) Live in the moment, that way you cherish every moment every day before it slips away:) Hugs.
ReplyDeleteKala here, with my new blog:
http://www.myinspiredreality.blogspot.com
Nance, its ok, dont stress yourself so much! So long as you are content with what you have, dont let such negative thoughts get to you. I know its easier said than done for there are times when such similar thoughts creep into my mind too. And the year gone by, as you know, has not been a very positive one for me and there have been more than one occasion when I felt depressed and let down by the circumstances but still I am trying my best to bring happy thoughts in my mind and look forward to having a positive outlook in the New Year. Dont know how far I am going to be successful though :). Suggest you do the same, Nance. If you do feel you can do something more than what you are doing or have done so far, then go ahead and do it, Nance, dont think twice. Do what your heart desires and if you think this is the best you can do, its perfectly fine too. Eitherways you are blessed :)
ReplyDeleteOn that note a Very happy New Year to you and your family! Keep smiling and stay happy :)
leaving aside all serious thoughts...
ReplyDeleteHappy new year!!!!
Wish you and your family lots of love, cheer and fabulous times together in the coming year.
That was a thought-provoking post Nancy. I guess many stay at home moms who have had careers before they decided to be at home would feel the same, a lack of purpose, missing the bonhomie of an office atmosphere etc etc. So, you are not alone in feeling like this :) And haven't you heard life begins at four zero :)
ReplyDeleteEvery action starts with a thought. So, 'Just Thinking......' is an excellent start. Happy New Year Nancy.
ReplyDeleteThis really sounds very familiar... Happy New Year - wishing you many successes in 2012.
ReplyDeleteKala: I do that, I do that all the time but sometimes it seems so inadequate:-(.
ReplyDeleteNew blog huh....cool;-D
Deeps There is no clear idea as such + as u knw we are restricted in a lot of ways in the ME, so my thoughts just keep going round and round most of the time without arriving at any logical conclusion;-(. Hopefully something will give way soon:-).
And thank U:-))!!!!
Limenlemons: GOOD to see U;-D!!!!
Thank U and wishing U the same:-))!!!!!
Elizabeth: LOL never heard of life beginning at four zero but yeah the other day Shobha De said something about life beginning at 60;-D
JP Joshi: Thank U!!! And great to see U here Sirjee;-D!!!!
Colours: Heyyyy thank U and wishing U the same:-))!!!!!
well.. well.. wat do i see here? ;) wish i cd comment more, but u know why... i can jus simply say, makin others happy thru ur blog posts is a service in itself... like i said once b4, i read ur posts wen i feel in the rock-bottom, and my spirit soars up into the sky in a jiffy ;) so thnks for that chech :) :D
ReplyDeleteAwww Sulo....what a lovely thing to say!!!! Now its the turn of my spirits to soar up into the sky:-)). Thank U!!!!
ReplyDeleteActually, duty comes before anything else in life. We all have our duties. Maybe our first duty is to bring-up your children. But there will come a period when our 100% attention may not be required for the children anymore and we can think of innovative things to do.
ReplyDeleteThese days, we are lucky to have the Internet. We can do almost everything right from our home. We just need to find out what we want to do. And more often than not, our purpose will find us, instead of we finding it!
Destination Infinity
ha ha ;-D ogay!!!! rock on :)
ReplyDeleteDI: I won't go into details but have to tell you I found great comfort in ur words, thank U:-)).
ReplyDeleteSulo: :-))