In Muted Tones

Just imagine you are a normal human being.

Whaat???? You are????

Okay then you won’t find it too hard to imagine right???

Like I was saying, everything about you is normal. Maybe you are a little fat or a bit on the thin side but that’s not extraordinary that’s normal. U r dressed normally and nothing in your facial expressions indicates anything is amiss…..the smile is cheerful, u know like totally normal, the quizzical expressions which you give may be a bit more expressive than usual but still that also can be taken as normal. But when it comes to expressing your opinion or your wants in words, you use your hands to convey what you mean or better still whip out a piece of paper & pen to write what you want to say.

People who don’t know about your problem then mentally take a step back[yes you can see them do that if you watch carefully], attention which was half-hearted till then sharpens, they make an obvious effort to hide their curiosity and smile at you kindly. Oh the poor thing!!!! She can’t speak. Wonder if it is a birth defect?? An accident?? So terrible. Let me do whatever I can to ease her misery. My good deed for the day.

And from the back of the queue you are moved to the front. Your work finished in no time. I liked that bit anyway.

That’s what’s been happening in my life. I’m the you in the above scenario.

Remember the flu & other ailments  real and fabricated, I told you I had 2 weeks back. Remember I told you how I hate doctors and hospitals & that I rather swallow a whale than step into a hospital. Well I swallowed big-time. I swallowed my pride. And went to the doc 4 days back and got the required medical attention.

You see I lost my voice. Sometime last week there was a sandstorm in Dubai and I was smack in the middle of it. I guess I inhaled lot of dust that day and the flu which had almost disappeared came back with a vengeance and within 24 hours mY voICe wENt SQUEEEK somethEEEing like ThiSS.

And the next day….KABOOOM the voice was gone. Seriously, I open my mouth and no voice…..no noise…no nothing comes out. All I get for my efforts is a aaaaaah in a fierce whisper. The better-half bundled me off to the doc immediately. I didn’t put up much of a fight actually. "Oh my voice, my lovely voice what happened to you” I panicked.

The doc diagnosed it as “Laryngitis something something” meaning an inflammation causing hoarse voice or at its heights, loss of voice. I’ve mentioned earlier too[yep I love discussing my medical problems on my blog] that whenever I’m sick it’s my throat which gets affected first. During these phases I usually sound like a guy Usha Uthup but this time it went one step further. It rendered me voiceless.

Along with a bagful of antibiotics I was strictly advised by the doc to rest my voice atleast for a week. Nice doc, by the way. Actually cute doc. His wedding band had its wife’s name inscribed on it. And I was like…..awww…shooo cutttte. Beena, her name is Beena:-). 

Feeling a bit more cheerful now I emerge from the med-center with my mind buzzing with ideas.

I send out an SMS out to all my friends...

“Don’t call me, I’ll call you”.

Around 20 calls came in the space of 10 minutes.

Bad idea…….bad bad idea.

Sent out another SMS immediately…

Voice totally gone stop under medication stop 1 wks voice rest stop doctors STRICT orders stop available on email stop.

Atleast 10 of them called to check if it was true. Another 10 wanted to hear how I sounded when I couldn’t speak;-/.

Came back home to a sympathetic better-half and worried kids. The kids who giggled at my squeaky voice the previous day looked really troubled now.

I lapped up all the attention and practised mime.

From there it was dumb charades all the way.

And Pictionary.

And pretending that my vocal cords were connected to my limbs and hence will not be able to cook or do any other work.

That worked only for one day though;-(

Anybody who communicated with me said I reminded them of….

The lady who read news for the hearing impaired on Doordarshan[remember her]

An owl[because I got impatient when they couldn’t decipher my hand signals].

A toy with a run-down battery……squeEEeeek…….SCREeeETCH.

It was a novelty initially. My miming improved dramatically. 

But after 2 days I got tired of it.

My jaws ached because they were stationary.

My head ached because I was thinking so much.

My thoughts which were verbalised on a minute to minute basis were now going izzzzzzzz inside my head & giving me a migraine.  

I no longer could just yell from one corner of the house and get the kids at my elbow in the next minute. 

And for goodness sakes I lost my voice, not my hearing so please leave the miming to me.

For the 1^st time in its life I think my sub-conscious realised it had the upper-hand. It gently prodded me into noticing a few things about myself….

I noticed that I interrupted people while they were speaking to add my two-bits worth. I need to stop doing that. Like immediately.

I didn’t need to answer every question which was put to me and definitely not those which were put to others.

Sometimes a look can convey what a 100 words put together can’t.

And sometimes being not able to talk is not such a bad thing……just for little while though.

My voice…..it’s precious. It’s as important as my arm if not more. When it comes back, it's going to get the respect it deserves. 

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!

How many of you didn’t give Valentine’s Day much thought and then suddenly got up in the morning and kicked yourselves in the….in the….yes there. I did. The kids came back home from school yesterday & went on & on about Valentines Day. Seems like Valentine’s Day is no longer just about ‘that kind of love’[and I never knew;-o], friendship is also celebrated on Valentine’s Day. So Nikita made friendship bands for her friends & Naina made cards for hers. They also wrangled 2 chocolate bars out of me, lovingly gift-wrapped it, wrote some fancy words on it and took it for their class-teachers.

At first I waggled my eye-brows, then patiently supplied all the material needed for their art&craft,  watched them indulgently as they talked excitedly…….and then it clicked. Ohmigosh it is Valentine’s Day tomorrow!!!!!!!

Even before I started out[in my thoughts] I knew it was too late to do much.

Forget it.
But…but….but…..

I’ll cook something nice.
Good idea but as a last resort....

Make a card….
Been there, done that.....

What can I do…..

I have some chocolate with me………hmmmmm
Yup, I always have chocolate with me….for emergencies u know.

The chocolate…..luckily for me was wrapped in red

And the idea grew from there….

I went all around the house picking up everything red….

A few Plums[again red]

Strawberries[heeeehaw red;-D]

A small bottle of Berry Juice[I’m pretending it’s wine]

Chewing Gum[flavour – wild berries…red, red, red……;-D]

I’m on a roll now…..

*_____*

Fished out a wooden basket from the kid’s toy bin [the original idea was to put them together in a shoe box].

Fixed the broken handle.

Lined the basket with silver foil…..

Arranged all the carefully chosen treasures artistically…

Borrowed a red ribbon from Nikita’s accessories to tie a bow on the handle.

Wrote a note in blue ink[no red pen;-(]

And voila……

The gift is ready.

And I've placed it in such a way it will be the 1st thing my hero sees when he gets up;-D

*__* - While rummaging around I also came across a cute ball of red thread, a small pack of vanilla in a red&white box, lays chilli chips, red apples and a red hair band.Had to omit them otherwise it would have been like overkill.....or shd I include them, tell me quick I still have time;-P

Arigatou

People think I'm this very laid back kind of person……I am I am but what they don't know is that a lot of pressure, anxiety and hard work goes into looking like a laid back person. Yessss, that’s what I am……. a stressed out person trying hard to be laid back.

So the last 2 weeks I was not in a very good frame of mind……was out of sorts….got sick, went all moody and was feeling low generally. I doubt the family even knew because I was okay with them just maybe a little too quiet. The better-half was out of town so he had no clue. The kids were their boisterous selves so there also it went unnoticed.

The blog when I finally got around to giving it some attention got the brunt of it……and out came a post which wavered between unhappiness and mulishness. A little bit of defiance and depreciation thrown in. And oodles of self-pity;-P.

As I hit 'publish' I wondered what you’ll make of the incoherent matter; bits and pieces from here and there just randomly listed out on the post. I could even imagine you guys staring at the blank comment space & thinking ‘uhhh….what kind of a comment do I post to this???’

I’m one of those ‘types’….you know the kinds who runs at the sight of emotions…..all the hugs and kisses & the touchy-feely stuff are soo not me. Even with friends it is only now after all these years that we sort of peck eachothers cheeks when we meet but take a step back quickly…..our friendship is more the backslapping[making sure the recipient lurches forward who then turns & whack a harder one back ] & back-handed compliments kinds. Even when the kids hug me….sure I hug them back but it’s one of those quick fierce hugs where in the next minute you’ll see me disentangling myself to breathe freely.

And so I was saying…...your comments threw me. I don’t know what I expected but never what was written.

Each one of U wrote such beautiful and thoughtful comments. Even though I hung onto the ‘I’m depressed I refuse to be comforted mode’ for a few more days after that, I read and reread every one of your lovely responses and the mails I got.

Just want to say that there’s this warm feeling inside me…..a feeling which refuses to go away. Yep a warm fuzzy feeling which has enveloped me and transformed me back to that laid-back person mentioned above, minus the stress ofcourse:-)).

I want to say more but am always at a loss for words when I need them most.


p.s: @title - means 'Thank You' in Japanese. I have a follower from Japan. He calls himself Uncle Polyglot. I have been patiently waiting for him to comment on my blog for sometime now. In the meanwhile, I'm practicing my Japanese;-D

p.p.s: The correct way to say it is Arigatou gozaimasu but that becomes very formal and our relationship is not like formal is it. So thats why only Arigatou....alright, alright I'll quit showing off;-/

Reading the signs....

It’s been 2 weeks now since I blogged….like seriously blogged[last week’s post doesn’t count…well how can a post which says I don’t have anything to post count as a proper post].

A few things are bothering me……but I can’t quite put my finger on it, just stuff niggling at me from the side-lines.

# 2 days back somebody unfollowed me…..I had 163 followers and dhadaaam right in front of my eyes it went minus one….162 followers….it was like a sign….an ominous sign. And nowadays all I see around me are signs, I take these things very seriously u know;-(.

# Blogger comes up with the one-to-one response thread in the comment section*finallllly*. Was I happy or what…..I have been repeatedly hounding them for this feature since 2004…oh alright 2008. Now it’s finally here but just look at my luck….I am not able to use the feature. Why……because it doesn’t work for me;-(. When I click ‘Reply’ it just stays there on the same page. When I click the delete button[which is just next to the reply button] that works like in 2 seconds but my reply button doesnt . Bwwwaaaah I’m so unhappy:-(((((

# My right eye is flickering badly for the past 4 days. 1st three days I managed to ignore it but now the heart has slowly started to thud heavily. I vaguely remember my mother referring to the eye flickering as baaaad news coming our way. I can’t stop thinking about it. The thing is I don’t know which eye is the bad news giver. But I’m afraid to ask coz if I ask then its confirmed and then it will be like a sure sign. I rather to stew in the agony than confirm the fact. I can see you shaking ur head, just wait….just you wait till your eye goes winkety-wink on u for 3 days continuously. Even you the sceptic will get the heebie-jeebies;-/.

# Nikita surpassed herself in these recent tests…..every single paper was done really well & all the marks reflected it. She & I were really pleased until we got the Hindi marks yesterday. She barely managed to scrape thru. All our grand dreams of her getting atleast the 2nd rank[if not the 1st] just withered into a crumpled heap right before our eyes. My little girl was soo disappointed. I hadn’t the heart to say anything…..just hugged her & hid my tears.

# The morning walks I grandly showed off about have come to a full stop. I caught a bad cold last week & didn’t dare to step out after that[‘the early morning chill is very dangerous’ everybody advised me]. And so I stopped. I rather put on weight than go to the doctor & get treated. I’ll sniffle, sneeze and cough than step into the med centre.

# My dad & I are at loggerheads…again. The fact that I’m his favourite daughter doesn’t figure anywhere in the equation at times like these. Earlier I was quick to react but now I hate to argue, to upset him even though I’m convinced I’m right. I can even prove it but do not want to hurt his pride. So I restrain myself and fervently hope his way of thinking doesn’t cause any lasting damage.

# We were 8 friends in college. By the end of 3 yrs of degree it shrunk to 5. And now we are just 4. Manju passed away a few years back. I don’t remember the exact date of her death anniversary but can never forget her birthday. Her birthday was day before yesterday. I wondered if I should call the others and remind them but decided against it finally. But by the end of the day we all connected and reminisced. Even today I can’t believe she is not around. Sometime last year I was sitting in this dark theatre with everybody and she walked in halfway and accused us of leaving her behind. I remember hugging her & saying “Manju you are alive, just let me get my hands on that idiot who told us……” and I stopped. How could I tell her we thought she died. How could we have believed that so easily. I woke up and cried so much.

# I attend church regularly…..but lately I’ve been questioning a few things. Don’t mistake me, church is good….we gather together to pray and in the process make sure our children grow up watching us, understand the beliefs which keep us all together. But the more I get involved there the more I realise that Church comes first, God figures somewhere down in their list.
The Sunday School teaches the kids about Church and its figureheads even before teaching them about the Word of God. Educating them about church history is fine but teaching them about the Almighty should come first, right. One of these days I’m going to tackle the Headmaster upfront.

I’m soo weird aren't I. All these days I’ve been moping around muttering to myself that I can’t think of a thing to post. One person unfollowed me and it was like the proverbial straw which broke the camel’s back. Signing off for now....